Yeah, that's my dog... What's it to you?

Everybody had that one friend in school who relished the opportunity to take the collective joy of the surrounding masses and crap all over their parade. Well hello there internet, allow me to introduce myself: I am the Grumpy Gamer and it is my sole purpose in life to take whatever gibberish you nerdy fanboys are blathering incessantly about and eviscerate it in front of your very eyes. No matter what you are thrilled, elated, excited and downright frothy over, I will reap great pleasure in poking more holes in it than the plot line of a Wayan’s brothers movie. Oh, and you’re welcome… It is a tough job, but somebody had to do it.

I can just hear you now, bitching that I am just some cheap rip off of that Yahtzee chap over at The Escapist and the truth is yeah, I kinda am. But unlike that poor bastard, I have the creativity to paint my pictures with words, not some generic glorified yellow tinted dry-erase board of hate. I don’t need some character to dance around and make lewd gestures to show how much a game sucks. I’ll just spit it like it is and say that Unknown Game A sucks harder than the collective gusto of a Korean house of ill-repute. I am a straight shooter, and I call it like I see it, but if your game is bad, I could very well end up with the aim of Dick Cheney on a quail hunt.

Another thing you may have noticed already is that I have a bit of a flare for the over-the-top. Now this is not “over-the-top” in a flamboyant “throwing on an ascot for a weekend out with the boys” kind of way.  I prefer to think of myself as the voice inside everyone else’s head; I am just the only one with the pills to spew my hatred in the most vile and demeaning manner possible.  I have been told for years that there is medication that could fix this problem, but why would I do that when it is more therapeutic and amusing to write it out for the entire free world to see?

When writing this column I will live by the following creed:

• I promise to piss and moan.
• I vow to yell and swear.
• I will remain as inappropriate for your children as humanly possible.
• I promise to push the boundaries of what can be said on ThePortableGamer.com.
• I must be censored at least once every single week.
• I’ll find the silver lining of every cloud and use it to wipe my myself after a nasty trip to the loo.

When reading this column there is a good possibility of the following:

• You MAY read my words from time to time and think something was uncalled for.
• You MAY stop reading what I have written because I used a disrespectful analogy.
• You WILL laugh at my writing what you were thinking, but were too scared to mention to your friends.
• You WILL think that I am a self righteous a-hole.
• You WILL come back every week, just to see what the next target in my sights will be.

If you can’t learn to cope with the above conditions I hate to tell you: you may need to see a physician about a very serious medical condition, otherwise known as the twig you have wedged in your sphincter. When it comes right down to it, if you don’t like what I have to say you can go and find your daily dose of hatred where every other self respecting human does: your local church.

I have experience in every facet of gaming. Yes, the site’s influence will keep my content mainly focused on despising things in the portable iOS game space, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to restrict myself from comparing things to a garbage release over on the console side if it is warranted. Oh, and don’t even get me started on those whining babies over in the PC gaming scene. Those sniveling piss-ants hold more protests and sign more petitions than Malcom X, yet continue to downright steal without any respect for those who created the content. I may have no conscience or self respect, but even I know repugnant behavior when I see it (in others, at least). And if you are one of the donkeys who stole the Humble Indie Bundle that was being sold for charity, do me a favor and throw yourself down a flight of stairs. That way, you can feel the collective power of the internet curb stomping your worthless soul into oblivion.

I am well beyond playing devil’s advocate, because these columns practically write themselves.  Here is a perfect example of the prose that you can come to expect from me on a weekly basis:

SEGA is officially on my “developer who I no longer give a flying (I told you I would get edited) about list”  They have had nearly a decade since the Dreamcast went tits up, and they have yet to churn out anything worth throwing more than a pity party over.  A sterling example of their malaise has been their mediocre iPhone library.  The sad part is that “mediocre” is the nicest term I could come up with to describe this worm ridden collection of filth.  It is like the ghost of crappy consoles past is back to now haunt our iPhones.

Sure, it makes sense to revisit a couple of the classics like the Sonic franchise, but when your big original release for the year is Soccer Manager 2010, the director of publishing should be ashamed of themselves.  I know being in charge of SEGA is painful enough but this is like phoning your job in… from the freaking moon, a decade in the past.  How about releasing a new game that core gamers really give a damn about, or at least something that will appeal to someone in North America.  Seriously, if you were the one that thought porting a glorified soccer spreadsheet would sell well, please re-evaluate you career choice.  I hear Barnum and Bailey are hiring trained chimps that can double as lion food…

At the end of the day I hope you can come away with an alternate view on gaming from the perspective of a angry misanthrope from the burbs, hell-bent on destroying all the ideologies and biases that you hold ever so precious. That isn’t to say that everything that hits the page is to be taken as the gospel according to me. No, I am hoping for exactly the contrary. I will provide the dissenting view and then leave it up to you to decide if in fact it too is what you believe.

Trust me on this, I am in this just as much to entertain myself as I am to rile you poor sods up. If you disagree with me, GOOD! I desire nothing more than inspiring discussion about topics that I am obviously very passionate about. After all, everyone is entitled to their opinion, as long as it reflects mine exactly. Feel free to try and leave a comment below, if you dare.

One last note for the fanboys: do us all a favor and laugh at yourself from time to time. If you don’t, you will end up a bitter old nerd like me, getting paid to write a weekly column about things that piss you off.

When Venan Entertainment released Ninjatown: Trees of Doom! earlier this year, it was very well received indeed – scoring highly in reviews around the web, including a very respectable 4.5/5 stars over on 148apps.com.

If you’re not familiar with the game, it sees you taking control of a cutesy, little ninja who’s hopping, climbing and roping his way between two trees – reaching heights that, well, only a ninja could. Now, Venan have upped the ante, by not only releasing an HD version for the iPad, but also updating the iPhone to version 1.3. Bringing with it iOS4 multitasking support and Retina Display graphics for those lucky enough to own an iPhone 4. As well as that, they’ve also added two new unlockable ninjas and three new warp bomb checkpoints at 2500, 5000 and 10,000 meters.

“We’re tremendously excited by the iPad version, but we wanted to make sure we had something for everyone.” said Brandon Curiel, CEO of Venan Entertainment. “With new device support, new graphics, and new gameplay, we’ve been able to deliver our biggest Trees of Doom release yet!”

This is a game that already looked very nice with it’s cartoon-like styling, so I’m sure it’s absolutely amazing on the iPad and iPhone 4 – and Brandon seems to agree: “Ninjatown has a very unique and vibrant art style that up until now we’ve been forced to cram onto really tiny screens. With the iPad, we’ve finally been able to bring Shawn’s fantastic world to life, no-holds-barred. The result is absolutely stunning.”

You thought that was all, though, didn’t you? Not only have they released a new HD version and an iPhone update, but to make sure you get the very most for your money they’ve been put into Venan Arcade’s “Back to School” sale – making them a mere $1.99 and $0.99 respectively.

Definitely one worth checking out, which you can do so here for the iPhone version and here for the new HD one.

Everybody loves a shooting gallery once in a while.  It is a good way to not only let off steam, but it also can help improve your hand-eye coordination.  Do I have any scientific information to back that claim up? Heck no.  Honestly, though, what other pretext can there be for a game that revolves around launching lawn Gnomes at a revolving gallery of baddies?  Chuck Gnome is a game that we covered in a recent iCasual and now it is back in the headlines with an awesome new update.

Not all updates are created equal.  In many cases, apps need functionality and bug updates as time goes on, just to keep things running smoothly.  While updates like this don’t normally add new functionality, sometimes developers like to go above and beyond.  The latter is the case with the new 1.1 update to Chuck Gnome from Movable Sprites, which not only adds new functionality, but an entirely new episode and much more:

Enjoy the arcade-style shooting gallery game now with new progress indicators that let you know what targets you need to hit to unlock new levels. The Chuck Gnome V1.1 update introduces a new episode, music, achievements and mini-game that add to the fun and value of this quirky pick-up-and-play title.

I wish more developers would do things like this.  it is the best way to thank fans for supporting your product.  One thing that I never expected when I started covering iPhone games is how open and honest the developers are about listening to community feedback and Chuck Gnome’s most recent iteration looks to be no exception:

“We added the graphical indicators because it was the most requested feature from our fans. We know our fans will enjoy this new episode and we hope they continue to share their feedback so we can keep delivering what they want.” — Steve Tompkins, Co-founder of Movable Sprites VIA VerticalWire.com

Simply put, Movable Sprites are doing what makes the platform truly unique, catering to the needs and desires of their audience.  Probably the best part of the entire deal is that the update is not only free, but the app is also currently on sale for ninety-nine cents.  So run out and pick it up, the Roamin’ Gnome will thank you for it someday.  Enjoy the art asset orgy below.

The gaming world is growing into an ever increasing expensive wasteland of shovelware, new gadgets, yearly console replacements, and free services going to the profit dark side. Yet, as gamers we will happily shell out money to support our habit.

Just look at the iPhone. When it came out people were skeptical if Apple had the balls to play in the big leagues. Four revisions later, we now see every company and their sister trying to duplicate what Apple has done. Where does this put iOS gamers?

The world is a funny place. When the iPhone went from iPhone slowass to iPhone 3G within a year, original iPhone buyers cried foul. AT&T saw a nice opening to snag some money and let customers upgrade at the cost of an ever-growing phone contract. Customers happily slapped down over $200 for a phone upgrade. Let us not forget the monthly pillaging of your wallet at $100+ a shot.

Next, we saw the iPhone 3GS hit the Internet and people went crazy yet again. Customers once again cried out with a fury even Kratos would be envious of. AT&T and Apple happily took more money from consumers to upgrade yet again. Another $200 for a phone, and another contract extension all in the name of shiny new toys.

We also saw the introduction of the iPad. To many this was just an overblown iPod that had a really stupid name. Yet, like the sheep we consumers are, we flocked to this new toy. Salivating at the mouth, we bought this new iPad device in massive hordes. The base price for this new toy was $500 just to get the low-end model. Do we even think that for $500 we could get a computer that does so much more….NOPE!

Consumers will drop a small fortune on gadgets at the drop of the hat. $200 every year to upgrade a phone is no big deal. $800 for a device that can’t even do everything the $200 device we have in our pockets is like buying toilet paper on a weekly basis. We have needs, and those needs need to upgrade every year.

We drop all this money, yet we piss and moan like little babies over a bad $0.99 app we bought. Really? Dropping $500 for an iPad was no big deal, but that $0.99 will have customers up in arms demanding their money back? Where did we become such whiney little kids?

It is time to take a step back and realize just what we are bitching about. If a measly buck is going to cause you to grab your pitchfork in anger, it might be time to reconsider you priorities. If this rambling didn’t put things into perspective, then maybe this comic will.

Quiz games on the iPhone are beginning to become a genre that is becoming seriously crowded in the App Store.  Whether you are developing a for a special genre of niche questions or an interesting presentation type, there is a serious need to do something unique in order to stand out.  Now you would think that if you were a developer you would be trumpeting your special new features from the rooftops, right?  Well, Volt Gamer is actually taking the exact opposite approach.

As counter-intuitive as it may seem, they are keeping the intriguing features of their new game, The Impossible Mission Quiz a complete secret. I have to admit, I am just curious enough to find out what that the caveman featured in the app’s icon has to do with anything.  Here is what they have for the official app description:

“So, how does the game work? Without revealing much, because that would take away from the fun of actually playing the game, we can say that this is a quiz game with a difference. If you think you have played quizzes and you know how it works, you really need to play the Impossible Mission Quiz quiz to see how it works. It is going to have you racking your gray cells right from the word ‘Go’. If you already love your iPhone, which you most certainly do, this is one more reason why you just won’t be able to do without it and will merrily be spending several more fun hours with it!”

The mystery might be enough to sell an app like this, and it seems rather intriguing, especially at the dollar price point.   If you are interested in taking a gander at the very little that is offered up, glance over the screenshots below.

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As a child of the nineties, I can cop to not only being a member of the original Tamagotchi’s target audience, but I was also a proud owner of more than one egg shaped, digital beast.  Of course they were a cheap little gadget that I wasted a lot of my time on, but I was a kid, so I didn’t know any better.  There have since been numerous different iterations on many devices and even a movement to portable video game systems like the Nintendo DS, but it has yet to come to the iPhone.

Thank goodness that somebody out there realized that we need another way to waste our time on the iPhone, and thus, Floret was born.  A Floret is defined (according to FreeDictionary.com) as the following:

flo·ret (flôrt, -t)n.

1. A small or reduced flower, especially one of the grasses and composite plants, such as a daisy.

2. Any of the tight, branched clusters of flower buds that together form a head of cauliflower or broccoli.

---

[Middle English flouret, from Old French florete, diminutive of flor, flower; see flower.]

See how informative that that was?  Not only have you learned about a new game, but you also learned a new word!  But back to the topic at hand…

As the name would imply, instead of micromanaging the growth of some digital ingrate that just eats, sleeps, craps and dies, you get to raise a pixelized plant.  I have to say that despite the idea sounding slightly ridiculous I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt based on one key aspect to the game: weather.  Now we are not talking about some kind of randomly generated weather, this is the genuine weather of your location.  Here is the official description of the feature:

“Floret shows you the current weather for your chosen location and the forecast for the next three days – so you will have realistic weather conditions.  Your flower will profit from good weather like rain but needs protection against rough influences like frost or heat.” — VIA Mr. Fridge Development Blog

Not only is this a neat concept, but it is something original that I have genuinely never considered before.  Sure, raising a plant may sound a little bland, but who knows?  This might be the next wave in games.  Maybe it might be worth the purchase, just to see this new concept in action.  If you are still on the fence, check out these screenshots below and see if they help coax you along.

This weeks free gaming selections range from calming that tired and stressed mind to the catharsis of acting out your aggressions in a fantasy world. Once calmed and in that place of Zen, venture into Hell and kick some demon butt. Don’t blame us when you kill your iPhone battery in one sitting, though.

City Story –

Take one part SimCity and shake it up with one part FarmVille. The baked result is City Story. City Story allows players to build their very own Gotham city complete with cafes, hotels, and landmarks.

City Story starts out with 50 different buildings, business, and parks. It then throws in integration with Facebook to allow players to hop around and see what their friends have been doing with their cities. Player even get notifications when gaming contracts are ready – you know, to keep the addiction flowing well into the night.

Ditch the farm and move to the city. Start your city this weekend so you can make full use of all the future updates and free goodies that come with updates. For the low cost of free, what do you have to lose by trying this out?

Tap Fish: Sharks –

Start the weekend off with a bit of serenity. Tap Fish: Sharks is an exotic aquarium neatly tucked away in a shirt pocket. Only this aquarium allows players to raise their very own sharks and level up while doing so.

Buy, feed, and sell fish to gain experience. Pile that experience up until level 80 is achieved. Decorate that shark tank with over 19 backgrounds and 75 decorations ranging from caves, mermaids, sunken ships, and the obligatory fish tank castle.

Of course, what would any good shark tank be without a good variety of fish? Raise everything for sweet Butterfly Fish to Great White Sharks. There are multiple aquarium options so players don’t have to worry about the angler fish eating the clown fish.

There is a lot to enjoy in this little shark tank. Find your inner peace and raise a killer whale while you’re at it. All this fish raising fun without any of the algae cleaning pains.

Shoot To Kill -

Shoot To Kill is an arcade style top-down shooter. Players get to use five weapons to fight their way through 30+ bloody levels. Players with mad skills might even get to snag all thirteen achievements. Once you think you have mad skills, try to take on the never-ending Eternal Life mode.

Shoot To Kill is awaiting your App Store purchase right now. This is much more entertaining than your original plan of rearranging your sock drawer.

Spider-Man is a name that has not only been one bantered about among Comic Book (ahem…) I mean Graphic Novel fans, it has become a part of Americana.  As several successful film releases have proven, the webslinger has drawing power far beyond the printed page.  With that in mind, it was only a matter of time before a Marvel approved Spider-Man game was going to climb onto the iPhone.

Brought to you by the good folks over at Gameloft and previewed by network site 148apps.com, Ultimate Spider-Man: Total Mayhem has now been christened with a September 1st release date and trailer to boot!  So without further ado, lets dive into the footage:

As you can you can see in the trailer, it looks like the game will feature quite a bit of high octane action, but I must note the trailer’s lack of actual gameplay footage.  I wonder if they might be trying to hide something from us?  That said, it is Gameloft and they do not half-ass anything, so I am not too concerned. If you would actually like to see more gameplay you can check out Jeff Scott’s E3 preview over on 148apps.

Developers say that they are trying to stay as true to the series as possible.  Here are some of the things that they think will help win over the loyal fans:

SEGA.  The name is synonymous with all things both awesome and retro.  As one of the original innovators in the home video game console space, the company has a gigantic back library of amazing titles. Now that they are out of the console business, they have focused on publishing games that harken back to their franchises of old, while bringing new innovations to the gaming space.  Something else they have started doing recently is going back through their extensive archives and picking select titles for re-release on iOS devices.

Among the more storied games from their illustrious history, titles like Sonic the Hedgehog, Streets of Rage and most recently Phantasy Star II have all hit the App Store for prices ranging from three to eight dollars a pop.  Well at least that was the case until earlier this morning, when Sega announced a massive Back-to-School Sale.  Here is what you can get for upwards of 66% off:

• Super Monkey Ball 1 $2.99 $1.99
• Super Monkey Ball 2 $5.99 $2.99
• Sonic the Hedgehog $5.99 $2.99
• Sonic the Hedgehog 2 $5.99 $2.99
• Golden Axe $2.99 $0.99
• Shining Force $2.99 $0.99
• Streets of Rage $2.99 $0.99
• Ecco the Dolphin $2.99 $0.99
• Super Monkey Ball 2: Sakura Edition (iPad) $7.99 $3.99
• Phantasy Star II $4.99 $2.99

When it comes right down to it, what is it that can be said about this awesome collection of games that has never been said before?  Darn near all of these titles should be considered classics and really deserve to be permanent fixtures in your portable game collection.  Especially when you consider the dramatic price breaks that you are getting, this should be a no-brainer.  But move quickly, because these sales will only last through September 1st.

Now if you don’t mind I think I have a few games to go download – if I can ever manage to coax the App Store to load on my iPhone 3G with iOS4.  Oh patience, you are a virtue.