Yeah, that's my dog... What's it to you?

Everybody had that one friend in school who relished the opportunity to take the collective joy of the surrounding masses and crap all over their parade. Well hello there internet, allow me to introduce myself: I am the Grumpy Gamer and it is my sole purpose in life to take whatever gibberish you nerdy fanboys are blathering incessantly about and eviscerate it in front of your very eyes. No matter what you are thrilled, elated, excited and downright frothy over, I will reap great pleasure in poking more holes in it than the plot line of a Wayan’s brothers movie. Oh, and you’re welcome… It is a tough job, but somebody had to do it.

I can just hear you now, bitching that I am just some cheap rip off of that Yahtzee chap over at The Escapist and the truth is yeah, I kinda am. But unlike that poor bastard, I have the creativity to paint my pictures with words, not some generic glorified yellow tinted dry-erase board of hate. I don’t need some character to dance around and make lewd gestures to show how much a game sucks. I’ll just spit it like it is and say that Unknown Game A sucks harder than the collective gusto of a Korean house of ill-repute. I am a straight shooter, and I call it like I see it, but if your game is bad, I could very well end up with the aim of Dick Cheney on a quail hunt.

Another thing you may have noticed already is that I have a bit of a flare for the over-the-top. Now this is not “over-the-top” in a flamboyant “throwing on an ascot for a weekend out with the boys” kind of way.  I prefer to think of myself as the voice inside everyone else’s head; I am just the only one with the pills to spew my hatred in the most vile and demeaning manner possible.  I have been told for years that there is medication that could fix this problem, but why would I do that when it is more therapeutic and amusing to write it out for the entire free world to see?

When writing this column I will live by the following creed:

• I promise to piss and moan.
• I vow to yell and swear.
• I will remain as inappropriate for your children as humanly possible.
• I promise to push the boundaries of what can be said on ThePortableGamer.com.
• I must be censored at least once every single week.
• I’ll find the silver lining of every cloud and use it to wipe my myself after a nasty trip to the loo.

When reading this column there is a good possibility of the following:

• You MAY read my words from time to time and think something was uncalled for.
• You MAY stop reading what I have written because I used a disrespectful analogy.
• You WILL laugh at my writing what you were thinking, but were too scared to mention to your friends.
• You WILL think that I am a self righteous a-hole.
• You WILL come back every week, just to see what the next target in my sights will be.

If you can’t learn to cope with the above conditions I hate to tell you: you may need to see a physician about a very serious medical condition, otherwise known as the twig you have wedged in your sphincter. When it comes right down to it, if you don’t like what I have to say you can go and find your daily dose of hatred where every other self respecting human does: your local church.

I have experience in every facet of gaming. Yes, the site’s influence will keep my content mainly focused on despising things in the portable iOS game space, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to restrict myself from comparing things to a garbage release over on the console side if it is warranted. Oh, and don’t even get me started on those whining babies over in the PC gaming scene. Those sniveling piss-ants hold more protests and sign more petitions than Malcom X, yet continue to downright steal without any respect for those who created the content. I may have no conscience or self respect, but even I know repugnant behavior when I see it (in others, at least). And if you are one of the donkeys who stole the Humble Indie Bundle that was being sold for charity, do me a favor and throw yourself down a flight of stairs. That way, you can feel the collective power of the internet curb stomping your worthless soul into oblivion.

I am well beyond playing devil’s advocate, because these columns practically write themselves.  Here is a perfect example of the prose that you can come to expect from me on a weekly basis:

SEGA is officially on my “developer who I no longer give a flying (I told you I would get edited) about list”  They have had nearly a decade since the Dreamcast went tits up, and they have yet to churn out anything worth throwing more than a pity party over.  A sterling example of their malaise has been their mediocre iPhone library.  The sad part is that “mediocre” is the nicest term I could come up with to describe this worm ridden collection of filth.  It is like the ghost of crappy consoles past is back to now haunt our iPhones.

Sure, it makes sense to revisit a couple of the classics like the Sonic franchise, but when your big original release for the year is Soccer Manager 2010, the director of publishing should be ashamed of themselves.  I know being in charge of SEGA is painful enough but this is like phoning your job in… from the freaking moon, a decade in the past.  How about releasing a new game that core gamers really give a damn about, or at least something that will appeal to someone in North America.  Seriously, if you were the one that thought porting a glorified soccer spreadsheet would sell well, please re-evaluate you career choice.  I hear Barnum and Bailey are hiring trained chimps that can double as lion food…

At the end of the day I hope you can come away with an alternate view on gaming from the perspective of a angry misanthrope from the burbs, hell-bent on destroying all the ideologies and biases that you hold ever so precious. That isn’t to say that everything that hits the page is to be taken as the gospel according to me. No, I am hoping for exactly the contrary. I will provide the dissenting view and then leave it up to you to decide if in fact it too is what you believe.

Trust me on this, I am in this just as much to entertain myself as I am to rile you poor sods up. If you disagree with me, GOOD! I desire nothing more than inspiring discussion about topics that I am obviously very passionate about. After all, everyone is entitled to their opinion, as long as it reflects mine exactly. Feel free to try and leave a comment below, if you dare.

One last note for the fanboys: do us all a favor and laugh at yourself from time to time. If you don’t, you will end up a bitter old nerd like me, getting paid to write a weekly column about things that piss you off.

This weeks free gaming selections range from calming that tired and stressed mind to the catharsis of acting out your aggressions in a fantasy world. Once calmed and in that place of Zen, venture into Hell and kick some demon butt. Don’t blame us when you kill your iPhone battery in one sitting, though.

City Story –

Take one part SimCity and shake it up with one part FarmVille. The baked result is City Story. City Story allows players to build their very own Gotham city complete with cafes, hotels, and landmarks.

City Story starts out with 50 different buildings, business, and parks. It then throws in integration with Facebook to allow players to hop around and see what their friends have been doing with their cities. Player even get notifications when gaming contracts are ready – you know, to keep the addiction flowing well into the night.

Ditch the farm and move to the city. Start your city this weekend so you can make full use of all the future updates and free goodies that come with updates. For the low cost of free, what do you have to lose by trying this out?

Tap Fish: Sharks –

Start the weekend off with a bit of serenity. Tap Fish: Sharks is an exotic aquarium neatly tucked away in a shirt pocket. Only this aquarium allows players to raise their very own sharks and level up while doing so.

Buy, feed, and sell fish to gain experience. Pile that experience up until level 80 is achieved. Decorate that shark tank with over 19 backgrounds and 75 decorations ranging from caves, mermaids, sunken ships, and the obligatory fish tank castle.

Of course, what would any good shark tank be without a good variety of fish? Raise everything for sweet Butterfly Fish to Great White Sharks. There are multiple aquarium options so players don’t have to worry about the angler fish eating the clown fish.

There is a lot to enjoy in this little shark tank. Find your inner peace and raise a killer whale while you’re at it. All this fish raising fun without any of the algae cleaning pains.

Shoot To Kill -

Shoot To Kill is an arcade style top-down shooter. Players get to use five weapons to fight their way through 30+ bloody levels. Players with mad skills might even get to snag all thirteen achievements. Once you think you have mad skills, try to take on the never-ending Eternal Life mode.

Shoot To Kill is awaiting your App Store purchase right now. This is much more entertaining than your original plan of rearranging your sock drawer.

Coming in August to an app store near and dear to you will be a new game in the running genre that gives you an added dimension to previous incarnations of games like this. In Gravity Runner you play a character running for all he’s worth. You control him with a simple tap and collect items as you run. Sounded a bit like other games already out there but there is one unique variation..With an additional tap you can turn the character upside down. From the screen shots and preview video the developers provided below, this looks to be a fun, fast paced game that will be an instant hit. As soon as we get our hands on it, we will give you a full review but here is what we know so far:

Feature Highlights:
* Easy to learn, a lifetime to master,
* Fiendish traps and difficult obstacles,
* 25 widely varying levels + 4 secret levels,
* An Endless mode to challenge even the most veteran of players,
* A variety of pickups,
* OpenFeint Enabled,
* Submit your score worldwide and compete to become the best,
* Post scores over facebook and twitter and challenge your friends,
* A collection of achievements up for grabs,
* Choose to listen to your own music while racing through the levels.

Device Requirements:
* iPhone or iPod touch
* Requires iPhone OS 3.0 or later

Pricing and Availability:
Gravity Runner will be priced at only $0.99 (USD) and will be available worldwide exclusively through the App Store in the Action and Arcade categories. Coming August 2010.

Alawar is one of my favorite casual game companies and today they let me know about their new idea. They want to rope in some new gamers that haven’t gotten addicted to their products. I’m not sure there are any left, but just in case here is the deal:

For only $1.99 you can download their Fun Frenzy Pack which includes Farm Frenzy, Smash Frenzy 2 and Gourmania, 3 of their best sellers.

• Farm Frenzy is an award-winning time management game in which the player tries his hand at running a farm. Featuring 90 levels of addictive arcade gameplay and compelling business management, Farm Frenzy lets players give Old McDonald a run for the money!
• Smash Frenzy 2 is a Breakout-style game featuring 3D graphics, an original soundtrack and new brick types, bonuses and special effects. Smash Frenzy also allows players to save and reload their progress.
• Gourmania is a hidden object game featuring 60 levels and no time limits. The player begins his journey at a fast food joint, finding the ingredients for the sandwiches his customers want and then processing their orders. Before the big showdown, the player will save a Sushi Bar, a Pizza Parlor and more from shutting down, making him the most sought after chef in town!

If you don’t already have these gems, you really don’t have any excuse not to pick this up.

Title: Fun Frenzy Pack
Developer: Alawar Entertainment
Price: $1.99

Ever sit back and wonder how we survived without the handheld platform that has worn a permanent spot in your back pocket? Remember WAY back in the day when only paper and pencils were around? No? Here, let me jog your memory. You don’t even have to clap any erasers together!

Hangman Free

Developer: Optime Software, Inc.
Genre: Word Game
Rating: 4+

Remember playing hangman in school? On the bus? At the library? Do you realize how many hangman apps there are out there? Holy cripes! It may be a good idea for you to stay away from that search, just in case the sheer volume of it blows your mind! Now, I can’t speak for all those other versions, but I can tell you that if you’re looking for a good representation of the classic, this is a very good place to start. From the warm tones of the chalk writing on the board, to the celebratory ding of the winning player, the sounds of the game are great. Visually, there is vibrant color chalk used for the letters and the hangman drawing, the letters are clearly visible, and the red that marks off the letters which have already been chosen is very distinct. No tutorial needed. This game is intuitive and nostalgic.

Pros: Lots of word categories to choose from.
Cons: You can’t add a million details to try to secure the victory.
Verdict: If you ever liked hangman, this is a good app to have.

DoodleBuddy

Developer: Pinger, Inc.
Genre: Drawing
Rating: 4+

This game was introduced to me by a buddy of mine. He loves to draw. I, however, suck at anything art related. That being said, this really is a great app for anyone who loves to doodle. DoodleBuddy is reminiscent of Window’s Paint program. You have stamps (each of which make their own sound when you use them), pens of different sizes and colors, a smear option, differing backgrounds (or use your own), etc. The coolest thing about this app, though, is the option to simultaneously doodle with a buddy. Simply send them an invite, and, should they deem you worthy, you can draw with them. There is a chat as well, in case you decide to talk while you doodle. It’s as simple as that! Either doodle by yourself, or with a friend. This is better than productivity.

Pros: Can doodle with a buddy (hence the name) with tons of tools to use.
Cons: You have to click an email link to accept the doodle invite.
Verdict: This is a great app to have when you need to kill time, or you’re feeling creative.

Whiteboard Free

Developer: Raizlabs Corporation
Genre: Productivity
Rating: 4+

As we all know, chalk boards make a lot of noise. And I’m not just talking about that horrific nails thing . Chalk breaks, erasers are dusty, you catch my drift. So, along came the whiteboard. This cute little markers that erased so easily (unless you accidentally used permanent marker), the wide variety of colors, the ghosts left on the board after they’d been erased… Those were the days. Well, this app is a very good representation of that whiteboard. There is a pen (red is the only color you get with this version), an eraser, a trash bin, and a save option (to save that physics break through). It’s simple. Almost too simple. The use is simple, the pictures are very detailed (the marker and eraser), but if you’re needing a whiteboard app, this may be TOO simple for you.

Pros: A bluetooth option allows for sharing and collaboration.
Cons: One color only for the free version
Verdict: There are probably other apps that will serve this particular purpose with more panache.

Sometimes developers REALLY want us to review their free games. And if they really want us to (and their wheels are squeaky enough), we may as well give it a go. They, of course, realize that if it sucks, we’ll tell them. That’s because we’re portable AND evil! Mwahahaha!!

Tune Runner:
Developer: Appy
Genre: Song based
Rating:4+

This game is super cool. I love it. The colors are bright, the music is amazing (of course, I AM a bit partial to my playlists), there is just the right amount of challenge in with the mindless ease. It will stay on my iPod forever. Now, the detail: there is a jogging robot. He’s jogging to your music (uploaded into the game directly from the music loaded on your device). While he runs, shapes appear in the road. In order to street run around/over/through them, you have to recreate the shape by drawing it on the screen. There are only 4 shapes, each just as easy as the next. You have to be fairly accurate on the shape if you want the credit though. If you miss, a frowny face taunts you from above the shape, and poor cute jogging robot guy runs right into it, losing some of his health. Lose all your health, fail the song. Every shape you get right replenishes that health, btw. There is a multiplayer option on this game, though you have to have email set up on your device if you want to invite or challenge anyone. Hits are included, and the tutorial is very helpful and (thankfully) short.

Pros: the graphics, music (duh), game play. Everything. It’s a great game.
Cons: I am SO bad at that stupid upside down v!
Verdict: Own, love, and breathe this game. It’s super great.

smackBOTS Free:
Developer: LeftRight Studios
Genre: Old Skool Fighting
Rating:4+

Every year I go to Vegas for a convention. My husband’s favorite place to head for some good, old fashioned snarkiness, is The New York New York Hotel. Inside, you’ll find one of my favorite places, the ESPN hang out. And just outside that? HUGE, larger than life snackBOTS. OLD SKOOL! What does this have to do with an iPod/iPhone game? Read the title of the game! Sheesh! This game is great. There is a TON to do. The tutorial is great for helping you learn beginning combos, how to block, how to use your berserk, and more. Once you win a fight, you get dough (i.e., cash) to spend on new techniques, robot shapes, and colors. Simply tap your thumbs on either side of the screen to punch and do combos, tilt your device to move your robot, and hold both thumbs down to block. Multiplayer options are available as well. Piece of cake! Best two out of three wins the attention of all the lady robots in the house.

Pros: Great, easy spin on the classic.
Cons: Technique is a slightly repetitive.
Verdict: A good, clean fighting game for the kids, or the grownups.

DoubleTake!:
Developer: Retro Dreamer Studios
Genre: Memory Match
Rating: 4+
written by Carter Dotson

DoubleTake is a new, shall I say, TAKE, on the memory matching genre. The basic rules are the same – you flip over cards to try and match 2 of the same design, memorizing the locations of your mismatches. DoubleTake mixes things up by adding snazzy graphical effects, an active board that is constantly moving with pieces disappearing, and powerups to help you out. You also get bonus points for making consecutive matches, although this can be a challenge because the card layouts are random. There are 4 different modes to play – Sprint, which gives you one minute to make as many matches as you can; Timed, where you have to keep making matches to increase the timer; Survival, where you have to keep making matches to restore health to your health bar, which is diminished by mismatches; and Basic, where you’re just trying to get rid of all the pieces on the board as quickly and as in as few moves as possible. There’s OpenFeint for high scores, with multiple appropriate leaderboards for each mode. DoubleTake is ‘just’ a memory game, but there’s a lot going on to make it more than your typical memory match game, with all that great Retro Dreamer polish. This is one of the finer free games on the App Store.

Pros: OpenFeint, geoSpark-esque graphical effects, multiple game modes
Cons: Some high scores are achievable only through pure randomness
Verdict: Fill my eyes with double vision, and your iDevice with DoubleTake.

Yep. We’ve all played them. Those lovable games that make you feel like you’re really there. But at what cost? You do realize how addicting SIMS was, right?! Here are a few free ones for you to embrace. Or not.

Surviving High School:

Developer: Electronic Arts
Genre: Drama Simulation
Rating: 9+

Much like the “choose your own adventure” books of old, Surviving High School is filled with choices and consequences. Will you be the quarterback of the football team? Date the goth or the popular chick? Become homecoming king? All these questions can be answered in this game: IF you purchase the full season. In the lite version you only go to the end of week 1, just long enough for the coach to tell you that you did great at try outs. For the full version, each week there is another episode of the game to play through. The controls are super easy, and the graphics look pretty good for what they’re doing. The choices are pretty straight forward, and you can tell whether the other characters like you, by the skulls/smilies on their pictures. There are also little mini games for grades/homework and football practice. Oh, and you can only choose a dude, so jocks, nerds, freaks… you’re all represented. Yes, it’s a little strange that females aren’t an option. The most frustrating thing about this game is that if your phone goes off, and you leave the game without backing out properly, it loses your entire previous campaign. Not a game I wanted to start over 5 times.

Pros: Entertaining, quick to play, but keeps you engaged.
Cons: Do overs aren’t necessary, but occur occasionally.
Verdict: I’m straight down the middle on this one. I liked playing it, but you may not.

Cooking Mama Lite:

Developer:Taito
Genre: Cooking simulation
Rating: 4+

Without having every played one of the Cooking Mama games prior to this, I was able to figure out the controls. Barely. Instructions are given, but they’re vague and by the time you figure them out, you’re being graded on your skills. You only make one recipe in the free version. Basically, you are helping Mama make a recipe. She tells you what step comes next, you do it, then she grades you on your skills. Gameplay is rushed, controls are very functional (but not well represented), and the demo is SHORT. The graphics look great, just as I would expect from the Cooking Mama game, regardless of system. If you’re going to play Cooking Mama, I would recommend either picking it up on a different system, or paying for the full iPhone version. The Lite version lasts about as long as it takes to load.

Pros: Great graphics and sound.
Cons: SHORT with crummy control instructions
Verdict: Get a different version. Lite isn’t worth it.

America’s Next Top Model:

Developer: Mobliss
Genre: Hottie Simulation
Rating: 4+

Though there are some of us (well, some of you) who don’t like America’s Next Top Model, there are others who do. While this game doesn’t capture all of the excitement of the reality series, it does have a few elements that make it endearing. Keep in mind that I’m a girl who likes the show. Now, with that disclaimer out of the way… In this game you create your own chica. You only have a few choices, so you aren’t going to spend a lot of time changing the way your girl looks. It’s really not a big deal, though, as you can barely see her on the screen anyway. Click on different activities and watch your girl perform them. Some activities give you stars, some give you energy, some even build relationships/friendships with the other models. At the end of the day, when you’ve exhausted all of your activity options, you can choose to do a photo shoot. The photo shoot is done in the style of Tap Tap. At the end of the photo shoot, you have an elimination. The person with the fewest number of stars at the end of each round, is the one who gets the boot. The free version only has one “season”, but lasts a good amount of time. I would definitely suggest getting this version before the paid, in order to see if you like it.

Pros: A good variety of styles of gameplay.
Cons: Graphics aren’t super clear, and some of the activities get somewhat repetitive.
Verdict: If you like ANTM, you will probably like the game, but check out the free one first.

Admit it, you have a favorite console; whether it be XBox 360, SNES, or PC. And sometimes, you think about how great it would be if your iPhone/iPod Touch had that one game that you couldn’t function without on it. Just so you could play it, even when you’re aren’t home. Like, say, waiting for your western civ professor to stop droning on and on about god knows what.

Fr’EE’day has you covered this week, with pieces of 3 classic console games. It’ll keep you warm and fuzzy till you get home.

Rock Band Free:

Publisher: Harmonix
Genre: Music
Rating: 4+

Ahh, Rock Band. I love you so much, I wrote you into my wedding vows. And now, even when I’m not at home, I can get my fix. Because you’re on my iPhone. Gameplay is brilliant. You can play as any instrument (or voice) for the one song you get; Learn to Fly by the Foo Fighters. You have a few options to play with in this version as well: music volume, sfx, overdrive, and vibration. Just like in the real thing, you have star power to use if you’re good enough, and you can activate it by tilting the phone away from you. When I first started, I assumed vocals would be singing into the mic. Seems like it would make sense. Rather, you tap buttons on the left side of the screen (instruments are still on the bottom) to the rhythm of the vocalists movement. This also brings up my one complaint, and this isn’t really a fault of the game. Lag is, as William Shakespeare once said, teh suxxors. While there are only three difficulties (Easy, Medium, and Hard), lag can, and will, make easy feel like expert. Other than that, it’s creative, and best of all, you don’t have to jump instruments in the middle of a riff (see Rock Band for the PSP). The graphics and sound are great, and it’s remarkably similar to the look and feel of the console game. I feel fulfilled. No longer must I yawn tears of boredom while waiting for the 20 people in front of me to order their light breves with no whipped.

Pros: It’s Rock Band. And it’s ON. MY. PHONE.
Cons: I hate lag. ‘Nuff said.
Verdict: If you like Rock Band… alot… just pay the $6.99 for the full version. You’ll play Learn to Fly 3 times before you get tired of it.

iMario Lite:

Publisher: Xaruva
Genre: Soundboard
Rating: 4+

If you’ve ever read any of my preview reviews, you’ll know that music is kind of a big deal to me. It completely rubs off on the sounds that games use as well. If the sounds suck, I’m not a happy camper. Hence, my love for soundboards. Now, I’ve had some awesome soundboards on my phone, but I’ve just added a new addition that I’ll be keeping for a while. Mario. Now, I’m not talking the whiney Waluigi, “Imma de wienner!” here. I’m talking the 8 bit sounds we all know and love from the original . There’s the sound of a goomba being smushed, the invincibility song that comes with a star, the use of a mushroom, and even the inevitable sound of Mario losing a life. There are more too. You’ll love them. In fact, I heard a dirty rumor somewhere that you can avoid being fired if you play the star power song.. I’m not sure if that’s been verified or not, but I don’t recommend you try it, just in case. The only drawback to this showcase of classic sounds? Ads. Yeah. There are a few of them, but they’re unobtrusive, and they don’t bite.

Pros: Great for adding a sound track to your daily activities.
Cons: Ads. Cause it’s free.
Verdict: Do you like Mario? Do you like soundboards? Then it’s free. you never know when they’ll come in handy.

Call of Duty Cheats FREE:

Publisher: Remi PIEGLEN
Genre: Cheats
Rating: 4+

No, admittedly, I tried a different COD game first. It was Call Of Duty World at War: Zombies. I decided not to review it cause, quite frankly, I sucked at it. The lag, coupled with my not being able to see what the hell I was shooting at, drove me crazy and I decided to look for something else. What I found was a list of cheats for Modern Warfare 2. Sweet! I can go for the assist, rather than the 2 point kill. If I’m gonna kill zombies, it’d better be on my 360. There isn’t a lot to this app. There are a ton of different categories, each of which tell you something different about the game. From achievements to how to get the best weapons, you’ll find it here. I assume. I didn’t look through every single list, because that would have been excessive; even for me.

Pros: Helpful in your pursuit for the perfect COD Modern Warfare 2 game.
Cons: Incredibly boring look for an app
Verdict: If you don’t want to pay for the cheats, here you go. If you want something flashy, pick up a walkthrough elsewhere.

Oh yeah. I did it! I totally played on the fact that my name happens to be a musical term. My tattoo is all about music too. This theme was inevitable. Roll that beautiful bean footage!

The Voice Machine:
Publisher: PROD4ever
Genre: Vocal App
Rating: 4+

This app is simple and right to the point. Record, play, manipulate; rinse and repeat. The graphics look like the old school mini recorders, reminiscent of the original Home Alone. Now you, too, can thwart incredibly inept thieves from your shower! Make your voice slower or faster depending on where you slide the red button. Not only is it easy, but you’ll sound like a chipmunk in no time. Though, Justin Long may have crushed your dreams of stardom already. ALVIN!!

Pros: entertaining and useful
Cons: length of record time isn’t excessive
Verdict: It’s free, and it can make you sound like you’re on helium, without the nasty side effects. WIN!

Lyric Mix:
Publisher: Hot Potato
Genre: Quiz
Rating:4+

Love quizzes? If you’re like millions of MySpace and Facebook fans, you do. This, however, is more of a trivia quiz kind of game. Ralph Fiennes, eat your heart out! Lyric Mix gives you a few lines from a popular song, a time limit, and 4 options. As the time ticks away, you start losing options, and points. Get speed bonuses and multipliers. The number of questions you’ve correctly answered in a row, determines what your rank is. You could be Lyric Student, Lyric Master, etc. The colors are bright and cheerful, and though it’s a little buggy, it’s worth it.

Did I mention it’s free until SUNDAY?! THIS Sunday the game will start to cost you real life money, so get it now! It’s a good game, especially if you like music from every genre and era.

Pros: Wide variety, simple concept, music related
Cons: a little buggy, and only free until Sunday
Verdict: If you like music, and you like looking smart in front of your friends, GET THIS GAME! It’s not spectacularly incredible, but it’s good and it’s free at the moment.

Bayou Beats:
Publisher: Disney
Genre: Music
Rating: 4+

First, let me begin by saying how great the graphics look in this game. Of course, if the graphics weren’t good on a Disney game, I suppose I would feel rather dejected. Bayou Beats is a Tap Tap type of game themed after, what else; The Princess and the Frog. I was a big fan of this movie, so being able to unlock little goodies like character cards, and having the option to watch the Ne-yo video without having to leave the game, really appealed to me. There are tons of extras, from ordering the soundtrack, to seeing little character clips, and more. The sound is great, as expected. I will say that the only thing I’m not a fan of is the game play itself. It’s simple: When the crown lights up the circle, you tap the circle. It’s not perfectly on beat, but it’s slow enough that it doesn’t matter. You can choose from the instrumental version of several songs from the movie. I wanted to spend more time looking at all the other goodies though. The motivation for playing the game, is getting to unlock the cards. This game is perfect for the kids it’s aimed at, as far as playability, but a parent might need to be on hand to help with the myriad of other options. Oh, and one of my favorite things about the game play, is that there is a pause button on the screen. Thank god, cause when I got a twitter push notification, I lost serious points! The horror!

Pros: Great graphics, lots of stuff to keep you interested.
Cons: Maybe overwhelming, and, well, it is Disney.
Verdict: If you like Disney, this is a great game for you. If your kids like Disney (wink, wink), this is a great game for you to have on your phone, for them to play.

BONUS!

Remember Battle Bears Free: Bear Naked from the Fr’EE’day segment on The Portable Podcast? The full edition is available for free on Friday only! Go get it now!

“Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like ’swell?”
And ’so’s your old man?”
Well, if so my friends,
Ya got trouble,
Right here in River city!
With a capital “T”
And that rhymes with “P”
And that stands for Pool.
We’ve surely got trouble!
Right here in River City!”

This week’s theme: Pool. That all-American past time that The Music Man so vehemently discouraged. Well, one of these games will discourage you as well. But the other two, gee, they’re swell!

Bankshot:

Developer/Publisher: Endloop System
Genre: Air Hockey/Billiards
Rating: 4+
(written by Carter Dotson)

Look. You pathetic miserable swine. I grow bored of you and your stupid games where you don’t have to bank your shots into the goal. Sucker, that is FAR too easy. Sucka, you gotta learn how to bounce. Yes, this sounds far too much like a pasty white guy trying to sound cool. Bankshot has you trying to get a ball, puck, random glowing thingy, whatever, into a goal. However, you must, as I alluded to in the intro and in the title of the game, you must bank your shots into the goal in order to get points. You can only bank shots up to 3 times (getting extra points for each bounce) before your…glowing object…explodes and you lose. Also, if your…screw it, it’s a puck. If your puck loses its momentum, then you lose as well. Much like Orbital, scores in the double digits mean you’re doing well. Your games will likely be short as you learn to try and get used to aiming your puck bounces. Thankfully, when you do inevitably mess up, you start over right away. How merciful our Bankshot overlords are. Get this one.

Pros: Addictive, Unique, Simple but effective graphics, OpenFeint Leaderboards
Cons: That ad banner is perilously close to the pause button; Very sweartastic
Verdict: If it was $0.99, I’d tell you to play it. But it’s free, so play it!

Disco Pool Lite:

Developer/Publisher: Midnight Status
Genre:Puzzle/Billiards
Rating: 4+

As a redhead, one might expect me to get upset often. Indeed, to have a “fiery” temper. This is most certainly the case, but generally not in situations one would assume. This game, is a good example of how to provoke my “fiery” side. I can’t explain the frustration I felt trying to follow the directions, and make it past the 4th level in this game. How many times does someone have to try a level, before the game picks up on your finger swiping? Really? The purpose of this game is to get all of the balls to stick together within a certain number of flicks of the finger. The concept is simple. The background is (obviously) disco, with lights and music funktafying the play. Objects get in the way, and you are responsible for figuring out how to get around them. If you put each thumb on the word menu, you access the, well, menu. There, you can restart (from the beginning of the game), re-rack, upload names and scores to a leader board, etc. One of the other frustrating things about this game, is that you’re never given clear instructions. It says to push something that doesn’t exist, or tells doesn’t tell you how to escape a certain screen. I like the concept of this game. I think I would enjoy playing it, were it not for the glitchy laginess (like that? I made it up!) of the play. Why do I lose? I didn’t do anything wrong! I did what your picture/tutorial said to do. Do I have to pay for the full version to get rid of the glitches? Do you really think I’m going to do that, when the Lite version makes me want to throw my iPhone into the Bog of Eternal Stench? Huh? Whew. I’m okay. See? Temper. I’m sure with some updates, this game would be great. For now, I can’t afford a new phone.

Pros: Great game concept.
Cons: Controls are wonky and frustrating.
Verdict: Not for redheads with tempers.

Killer Pool Lite:

Publisher/Developer: SD Games (part of Sauce Digital)
Genre: Billiards
Rating: 4+

Killer Pool. Let me count the ways in which you are awesome. First, the graphics and designs of the game feel like a tattoo parlor. Beautiful fonts, and decorations ornately grace the screens no matter where you are. The colors are vibrant, and easily differentiated, which becomes important during gameplay. If you’re playing something like 9 ball, you need to tell which ball you’re after next, and where it is on the screen. The Lite version is just what a lite should be: just enough to make you want more. I get to play 9 Ball, and I get to change the design on the table. That’s about it. But on the paid version, you get 8 Ball, Octokiller, and Killer. Multiplayer (up to 10 players at once) for the latter two games. Either version has style options, you can turn lag on and off, as well as hints and audio toggling. You are given the option to play quick start, or view the rules upon entering any type of game. Once you’re in, you are given instructions on who goes first, and from there, the game begins. You can change your view at any time during play, and moving your “in hand” ball, is as easy as dragging it with your finger across the table. Before you shoot, fine tune your shot in the designated drag strip, then pull back your cue (on the right of the screen) and flick it forward. The strength of the flick will determine the strength of your shot. It’s a great game, and it’s done beautifully. The free version is so good, you’ll want to pay for the full thing.

Pros: Great look, controls, sounds, options.. everything.
Cons: You might have to enter your password twice to get the full version.
Verdict: For $1.99, you may as well just get the full thing now. It’s that good.